Language:
Just because it’s English doesn’t mean there’s isn’t a language barrier. The following is a list of phrases that have started to make their way into my vocabulary (against my strong objection):
- Heaps (We’ll have heaps of fun tonight)
- Reckon (Where do you reckon we should go tonight?)
- How you goin? (How’d you go last night?)

I also had a lengthy discussion this morning about inserting s’s where there should be z’s, and u’s and e’s where they otherwise don’t belong. For Example:

Whilst I attempted to finalise my work for the day, I began to realise that my favourite TV programme was on tonight.

Winner: USA. ‘epic,’ ‘dude,’ ‘brodeo,’… solid.

Breakfast:
No joke in in Aussie. Would you like some eggs with your heavy cream?  Perhaps a side slab of bacon? Some grilled tomahto?

Also a fan favourite: Bircher Muesli

Winner: Aussie (Brekkie sounds so much cooler than brunch anyway)


Coffee:

Starbucks vs. the world. I have now mastered the art of the coffee press, and have converted to the world of espresso based coffee.

A flat white:

Winner: Aussie. Long gone are the days of grande one pump skinny vanilla lattes

Pedestrian Behaviour:
This category may also be subtitled:
“Pardon me, group of Asian tourists walking 6 across slowly on a narrow sidewalk, I’d like to get by now.”

Points scored for having enough care for pedestrians to include signs like this one on street corners:

…But they’ve really got to start learning how to walk down here.  It’s like a permanent walk through an airport terminal.

Television:
Most popular Aussie shows that I have seen thus far include:
Home and Away
Border Security Australia’s Front Line

Other classic ‘Aussie’ gems include:
Two and a Half Men
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Seinfeld
The Simpsons
The Simpsons
The Simpsons

…and of course:

Winner: USA. (Birthplace of Friends, Lost, and Mad Men)

The Beach:
Chicago’s got vball, and a 5 minute walk to wells on wells.

Sydney has….a real beach. Many.

Winner: Aussie

To avoid the pitfalls of overaggressive tourism by checklist, I made an attempt to avoid the standard go-to spots in Tokyo and instead decided on a more ‘colloquial’ approach with a few locals aka newly transplanted ex-pats. This led to: facemasks, a whole tuna, do it yourself coffee, Ninjas, Kill Bill, Japanese pancakes, karaoke and a little Ricky Martin, a failed attempt at seeing a fish market, electronics, anime, and a man dressed in a frog costume delivering an elephant filled with sake carried by a toy bear (true story).

Where to begin…

1) There are facemasks everywhere in Tokyo. I thought maybe there was something wrong with the air on the plane, but it’s just something they do there I guess. I took this picture from my phone whilst queueing through disembarkation (aka waiting in line through customs) surrounded by signs that showed a picture of a cell phone with a massive X through them. I claimed language barrier difficulties and went about my day.

2) Lunch at Google Tokyo included a whole tuna being fileted and served over rice with a side of miso soup. Delicious.  Also of note, they had a separate Gaijin lunch section that consisted of chicken with pasta & pasta sauce. I opted for the Tuna…which went fast.

3)Vending machines are everywhere. Someone told me it’s because they want to avoid human error when it comes to their orders (sugar in your coffe, for example), but not sure that’s true.  This is how your day starts in Google Tokyo:

4) Ninjas. I don’t know why, but our dinner options for night 1 were: Ninja, Vampire, or Cannibalism. We opted for the Ninja restaurant, I think because I really just wanted to say ‘Ninja Please’ in Japansese (there’s some kind of irony in there…I think).  Dinner included fire, smoke, ‘ninja magic’, and about three hours worth of random food, some shaped like ninja stars, all served with a taste of Ninja.

5) Kill Bill.  Apparently we had dinner at the same place where Kill Bill was filmed. Or the same restaurant that is part of the chain where Kill Bill was filmed. Or a restaurant that looks marginally familiar to something Japanese in Kill Bill. I’m going to go ahead and say it was option 1. Thus was born ‘The Peace Treaty’. The Peace Treaty is like a Sakebomb, without the actual submersion of the shot glass (A more peaceful version, one might say).  It’s a delicious mix of Sake & Kirin best served chugged.

6) Japanese Pancakes. Okonomiyaki is like the poor man’s benihana…. I guess you could say the actual Japanese man’s benihana.

It also involves what I can only imagine a ground up lugee mixed with salt & potatoes would taste like (which really isn’t all that bad).

7) Karaoke. Karaoke is legit. We went to one of the more posh karaoke places I’ve seen. All with private rooms, but all themed. I’m not sure what our theme was but it was partially decorated like a cave (note, for everyone’s sake and some people’s careers there are no videos linked in this section). I will leave you with this though: A man from our Tokyo office gave one of the finest renditions of ‘She Bangs’ I’ve seen since William Hung.

There is a fish market that is supposedly awesome in Tokyo that occurs around 5am each morning. I include it here as this was one thing I really wanted to do. That dream did not manifest itself into reality, mostly due to a combination of sake and karaoke. World Travel Fail.  Peace Treaty Win.

9) Electronics are synonymous with Tokyo, so I made it a point to try and check out the Akihabara.  Japanese folks love their electronics, and they love their anime. I’ll leave it at that.

10) I don’t really know how to describe our last night in Tokyo, but it looks like a lot of people have tried to capture the essence of Mark Kagaya.

This ‘restaurant’ is really the basement of what I think is someone’s home, with about 4 tables and pillows on the ground to sit on…real authentic like.

First, Mark Kagaya takes your drink order:

Then he brings your drinks out according to a specific presentation that you have selected.

The “Spanish” Presentation:

The “English” presentation:

With a side of Sake:

Then, you place your order by choosing from a variety of scripts. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure you get the exact same food regardless, but pay more based on which ‘option’ you choose.

The rest of the evening involved another night club, more peace treaties, and dialect that, when translated I would imagine sounded something like this:

“Excuse meeeeeee”
“Red Bull with Jager Please”
“Thank Youuuuuuu”
“Thank Youuuuuuu”
“Excuse Meeeee”
“I’m not like other foreigners”
“How so”
“I am smart and beautiful”
“Thank Youuuu”

Tokyo….Check.

Approximately 50% of Google Sydney is now well aware of my situation with the Australian Government, and their inability to assign me a Tax File Number.  Below is the policy surrounding tax file numbers, and why I am quite annoyed:

If you do not supply your tax file number to your payer within 28 days of commencing a new job, your payer must withhold 46.5%. 

Rather than explain the inefficiencies behind their current system, a series of transcripts may better serve the purpose:

Day 1 with HR:
“Hi Ernesto, Welcome to Google. You should file for a Tax File Number asap”
“Great, will do.”

…successful completion of TFN application online

“Hi, HR, is there any reason I haven’t received my tax file number yet? It’s been a week”
“That’s strange, it usually only takes a few days”
“OK, I’ll try calling & following up”

[Abridged conversations with Australian Taxation Office]:

“Hi, I’m calling about a Tax File Number application”
“What’s your name?”
“Ernesto Soriano”
“Go again?”
“E- like elephant, R- like robert, e-like elephant’
“I’m sorry, did you say e, like epple”
“Epple? No, elephant”

…28 days later, multiple iterations of same conversation, and no TFN.

“Hi, it’s been 28 days, now what?’
“Oh, now we can begin the escalation process”
“Oh great, what does that entail?”
“What’s your surname?”
[sigh]
“S- like Sam, O- like october, R- like Robert, I- like….”
“India?”
“yea, I”
“wait, I for apple?”
[shudder]

…My case has now been escalated.

“Hello, I’m calling to check on a tax file request. It was escalated last week”
“What’s your name?”
“Echo, Romeo, November, Echo, Sierra, Tango Oscar…Sierra, Oscar, Romeo, India, Alpha, November, Oscar”
“Ah, thank you sir. I see you recently called last week?”
“Yes.”
“Just so you know, it can take 28 days from when we initiate the request.”
“Um, you said I had to wait 28 days….so that I can wait another 28 days”
“Yes.”
[biting tongue aggressively]

I therefore will not be getting my full paycheck next week, and will continue to awe the people sitting next to me with the amount of daily conversations I can have spelling my name with the naval alphabet.

On a lighter note, I saw a bunch of dolphins yesterday surfing while I was on a run. They were surfing with a lone guy in the water at shark o clock. Pretty epic scene, so I guess that’ll refresh me for a bit.

Having stuffed our bellies with pad thai, it was then time to stuff our cultural knowledge base with a little live theater.  Avenue Q is in its last week here in Sydney, so we were able to get discounted tickets.  This is like no other puppet shows I have ever seen (and I’ve only ever seen maybe one more in my life). The best way to describe it is….the things you’ve never said but have thought. Take this, add some puppets, and you’ve got Avenue Q.  The show opens with:

What do you do with a B.A. in English,
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.

I can’t pay the bills yet,
‘Cause I have no skills yet,
The world is a big scary place.

Which is followed by other such songs as:
It Sucks to Be Me
Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist
The Internet is For Porn
I’m Not Wearing Underwear Today

…and finally:
You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You’re Makin’ Love)
…which, yes, portrays puppets engaged in puppet sex.

This was, without saying, awkward for the mother sitting next to us and her three kids (clearly they didn’t read beyond ‘play with puppets’), however absolutely hilarious for the rest of us.  

This was a good way to offset the effects of both karaoke & pub golf from the weekend. Beer is heavier here, and they love the fried food.

 

View from the front:

Found (another) outdoor market in the Cross:

If only Pequods existed down under…Green olives with Anchovy. Yes:

Light mid-afternoon Aussie snack:

- The commute to and from city to beach every day could suck, but worth it
- Aussie breakfast > American breakfast
- Aussies love their mantanks
- Aussies love their havaiana thongs
- It will take me some time before I am comfortable referring to anything I own as ‘thongs’
- Chapstick costs $6. wtf.  
- Coffee & Diet Coke are better down under.

Bondi markets:

Skate park near south end of Bondi. Practice ground for the next Tony Hawk. This kid was maybe 4 years old, max. Killed it: